May 19, 2020 — 11:03 AM
Long-distance relationships can work; many couples who’ve survived long periods of being long-distance can attest to that. But there is a particular set of issues that you’ll need to address, such as making time for each other, staying emotionally close, and maintaining that spark. So here’s a comprehensive list of all the habits you’ll need to make a long-distance relationship work—no matter the miles:
How much contact do you want to have with your partner each day, and how much do they expect from you? Don’t assume you and your partner are on the same page about this! Different people will have different expectations around the frequency of texting, phone calls, and communication, so it’s good to have a direct conversation about what type of communication cadence feels good for both of you.
Don’t be afraid to be “extra.”
“The challenges experienced in a long-distance relationship often mirror the challenges faced in a long-term relationship,” explains therapist and relationship expert, Ken Page, LCSW. “It takes extra effort to keep the intimacy going.”
Everything that you’d usually make sure to do in a relationship? Do it extra. Practice extra-good communication and give them extra attention, sweetness, and thoughtfulness. Considering all the distance between you, you should always be going the extra mile, figuratively.
Schedule in time together.
Make sure you’re putting regular time on the calendar to check in with each other. It might seem silly to have to remind yourself to spend time together, but quality time can often get put on the back-burner in long-distance relationships if you’re not paying close attention.
Even if the two of you text frequently, you still want to schedule dedicated date nights to look forward to. “Whether it’s a multi-hour phone call, watching a movie together, or a night of following along with a funny crafting video on YouTube,” sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray tells mbg says, “having a weekly date night does a lot to help you maintain a sense of normalcy and connection.”
In addition to scheduling when you’ll be visiting each other periodically, schedule in weekly quality time together between visits.
Prioritize connecting, not just talking.
Just because you’re texting or talking every day on the phone doesn’t mean you’re actually connecting. As couples counselor Jessa Zimmerman recently told mbg, it takes more than just a good-night call to feel connected as a couple.
“Remember to really share and consult with each other, console each other, and keep the conversation going on in-depth,” she says. Talk about things like your goals, dreams, obstacles, and challenges. Give your partner the opportunity to support you through your day-to-day life and in the crafting of your future, and similarly be there for them.
Find a shared activity.
Find something you can both engage in, like reading a book together, recommends Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy. This will allow you to always have a meaty topic to discuss and ideas to reflect and bounce around together, other than just catching up on your days.
Prioritize your sex life.
“Whether you schedule video chat sex dates, or send your partner weekly nudes,” Gray says, “putting effort into cultivating the erotic spark is something that is imperative to keeping your relationship thriving.” (Here’s our full guide to phone sex and guide to sexting.)
Every couples’ sex life is different, so figuring out what you both like and what works for you while you’re apart is important. “Have a list of what you can do to keep the sexual and intimate spark alive long-distance,” Neo says, “and do it!”
Get creative with your virtual dates.
Keep things interesting by getting creative with your dates. Maybe that’s an elegant dinner you both cook and eat together while video chatting, or even go to sleep together via phone or Zoom, Page suggests. Spend time in nature in your different time zones, pick up a new hobby or intellectual pursuit together—the options are endless. (Here are a few great virtual date ideas.)
Another way to keep the excitement alive is to prioritize surprises, big or small! You could have a gift sent to them, Page suggests for example, or perhaps even surprise them with a carefully orchestrated visit. Other ideas that Gray suggests include sending flowers, a sexy photo, an extended appreciation list, or tickets to an event you can attend together in the future (which also gives you something to look forward to).
Continue to get to know each other.
There’s always something new to learn about your partner, and continuing to prioritize it can deepen your emotional intimacy. “Engage in playing games to know each other better,” Neo suggests. “I like the 36 Questions, Proust Questionnaire, and other question aids by The School of Life. There’s always so much to discover!”
Embrace the time apart.
It may be easy to fall into a pattern of not taking care of your appearance or home because your partner isn’t around. But Gray says this is actually an excellent time to work on yourself! “Use this unique relationship phase to lean into life,” he says. “Pick up new hobbies, develop new skills, or hone your existing ones. In other words, do something with your days so you’ll have new things to report to them when you are talking.”
Express your longing.
As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder—and who doesn’t want to hear that they’re valued and missed? “Use the fuel of longing that a long-distance relationship generates,” Page says. “There’s an ache that we experience when we’re apart from our loved one—expressing that ache brings deeper closeness. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings of need and desire to be together. Expressing them will bring the two of you so much closer.”
Share your calendars.
Sharing your calendars with each other so you know what the other is up to each day or creating a shared calendar for your relationship will help you feel connected and more immediately in each other’s lives. “This is especially helpful when you’re in different time zones and makes day to day communication that much smoother,” Gray says. Plus, “it also helps you avoid sending them a naughty text during an inappropriate time.”
Honor each other’s time.
And to that end, when you do schedule a date, honor it. “Be respectful of each others’ time,” Neo advises. Every couple, regardless of distance, wants to feel appreciated and respected—and bailing on a date carries a particular sting when you already don’t see each other often. “Don’t take that video call for granted, and reschedule it willy-nilly,” she says. “It is sacred time.”
Treat your dates like real dates.
The longer you’re with someone, the less likely you may be inclined to get dressed up for them. But your virtual dinner date is the perfect opportunity to remind them you do still want to put in the extra effort for them. “Dress up, make an effort, enjoy yourselves,” Neo says.
Be as vulnerable as possible.
It can be easy to fall into a routine with your catch-up phone calls. How was your day, how was their day, I miss you, good night.
But the beauty of long-distance relationships is that you can cultivate connection that’s solely based on going deeper and deeper with your conversations. When we’re not physically together, it can actually be easier to open up, Page says. “Sometimes the gift of separateness allows us to share more deeply than we might otherwise. You can deepen the romance through your communication, share sexual fantasies, and be more vulnerable.”
So go in deep. Ask more thoughtful questions other than, “How are you?” Find new ways to share new parts of yourself with each other.
Be open about uncertainties.
Speaking of vulnerability, it’s important to remain open to discussing issues. You should be able to openly talk about insecurities you have about the relationship, feelings of jealousy that might come up, and any other tensions between you. This can be difficult if you don’t want to put any more strain on an already difficult situation, but it will keep resentment or disconnection from building in the long run.
“Of course, make the right time and space,” Neo says. “Invite your partner into a discussion by saying, ‘Recently I’ve been feeling ___, and I’d like to talk about it with you. What do you think?’ (You don’t want to make them feel ambushed.)”
Share your accomplishments.
Don’t forget to fill each other in on all the good things happening in your lives as well. “Share the things you’re proud to have accomplished this week,” Neo says, “even if it’s a mental breakthrough. It doesn’t matter how easy it comes to someone else, as long as it matters to you!”
Be fully present when together.
It’s very important to minimize distractions when you’re speaking or video chatting together, Page notes. “Get cozy in bed to talk, light a candle, and allow as much romance as possible.”
Gray adds: “Everyone wants to feel like they’re a priority, and they deserve your full attention. Instead of calling them when you’re walking down the street and giving them a prime view of your nostrils, call them when you’re indoors with all distractions removed.”
From a flirty message to straight-up sexting, it’s always nice to remind each other you still view them in a romantic light. “Whether you primarily use words, photos, or emojis doesn’t matter as much as simply engaging in it,” Gray says. “The point is to simply communicate to your partner, through your actions, ‘I see still you as my lover, and the erotic element to our relationship matters to me, even when we’re apart.'”
Curate your “Relationship Bucket List.”
Having things to look forward to is like a light at the end of the tunnel. As such, Gray recommends making a shared document or email chain where you can both add to a list of things you want to do together. “For example,” he says, “you could write ‘Live in Paris for a month,’ ‘Take a cooking class together,’ or ‘Go to a day-spa together somewhere with a beautiful view.'”
Prioritize seeing each other IRL.
This will, of course, depend on a number of factors, but when possible, prioritizing trips and making the extra effort to see each other goes a long way. “It’s dampening to the relationship if one of you says that it’s just too difficult or expensive to connect and the other feels like you just don’t care enough,” Page notes. “Be ambitious in your efforts to see each other in person.”
Create forward momentum in your relationship.
A 2019 survey found that the number one reason long-distance relationships end is a “lack of progress.” In other words, the relationship stops changing, evolving, and moving forward.
Many couples naturally drift apart due to lack of effort and attention, and long-distance relationships are particularly susceptible. If you really want your long-distance relationship to succeed, it’s important to make sure you’re growing as a couple and deepening your connection over time. Where is this going? What can you do to make sure you’re moving forward?
Look toward the finish line.
Ideally, you’re assuming that one day your relationship will no longer be long-distance. So hold that finish line in mind.
“One of the best things you can do in a long-distance relationship is to figure out when you’ll no longer be apart,” Gray says. “The lack of physical touch becomes that much more bearable when you both have your finger on the pulse of when this phase will come to an end.”
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